Gnat In My Lipgloss

These past few weeks I have learned the meaning of sorrow. On May 20th, Brandon Paudert lost his life in the line of duty. He and a fellow officer were shot down on the side of a freeway, leaving our family to forever mourn his loss. Cody and I traveled to West Memphis to attend his funeral. We stayed for a week, holding onto those nearest us, trying to mend broken hearts.

During this week I experienced some of the saddest moments of my life. It was crushing to see the desperate pain on the faces around me. My heart broke into a million pieces each time I looked into his mother's eyes. The cries of his precious children still ring in my soul. I will forever hear the sound of Taps played on bagpipes, the march of feet as the honor guard was changed, the ringing gunshots saluting our fallen heroes. The image of the flag covered coffins surrounded by masses of flowers has burned itself into my memory. The sound of thousands of mourners gathering together to say goodbye will never leave my ears. My heart still reflects the flashing blue lights surrounding me as we rode in the Sea of Blue to honor Brandon and Bill. My arms almost ache knowing that they are no longer holding on to those people who are hurting so much. My entire being strains to find a way to take away this pain, to go back in time and change that fateful day. To bring Brandon back to his family. And I cry when I realize, again, that there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. Nothing I can feel, that will make a difference.

It seemed strange to be home after being in Memphis for so long. Strange to be around those whose lives had continued on when it felt as though ours had stopped. Strange that some people here at home had not heard about the tragedy that had ripped our family in two. I looked around for the flags at half~mast, for the condolence messages on restaurant and church signs, for the mourning that had been so prevalent in Memphis.... but there were none. Life had not changed here. It made me sad. Sad to know that life goes on. The sun will rise and the sun will set, no matter how much pain we endure in between.

We had been home for almost two weeks when we recieved another devastating blow. One that felt as if it was the final blow. The one that would break us. Cody's grandfather, Brandon's grandfather, had been killed in a car accident. It seemed surreal. How could we be going through this again? We just did this. We just had one of our members torn from us, how could we let another one go? How could I go to Cody and look him in the eye and tell him that he had lost yet another loved one?

My heart was so heavy, I was surprised to find that my body could hold it. The pain was screaming so loudly in my ears, I was sure that everyone around me could hear it too. I couldn't even cry. My tears were gone. Spent. I had none left.....or so I thought.

We attended another visitation...another funeral. I held Ola Mae as she tried to cope with burying another beloved husband. I tried to give what little was left of me to Melanie, to help her say goodbye to her daddy. And I tried, I tried, to share Cody's pain. I felt so helpless.

My heart, which was still broken, seemed to shatter as I walked to the gravesite and saw another set of soldiers standing at attention, honoring another fallen brother. Taps played again. Gunshots rent the air once more. Another flag was folded. Another goodbye was said. Another sun set.

This summer has been long. It has been hard. Everyone says hard times make you stronger. But I don't feel stronger. I feel weak. I am forever aware of how fragile life is. I am completely aware that there is nothing I can do to hold my family together. I can not stop death. I can not change what has already happened. I can not stop the tears. I can not overcome the pain of others. I can not bring a son back to his mother, or a father back to his daughters. I can not make sure that a husband will return to his wife. I can only hope in God. I can only continue to pray for healing. I can only choose, choose, to trust that God is still in control. I can only focus on Brandon and his grandpa walking on streets of gold, free from hurt and pain. I can only love those around me entirely. I can only trust my loved ones to God. For I know that He will carry me through the rest.