Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sometimes I get sad. There. I said it. Out loud for everyone to hear, well everyone who reads this anyway. But, yes, there are times when I'm just sad for no reason. Maybe a better way to put it is that I'm sad despite many reasons not to be sad. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I have an amazing husband, who works very hard to give us a good life. I'm mother to a beautiful baby girl, who I love more than my own life. I have the best family I could ever ask for, and the most wonderful in-laws on earth.
So, all that said, why the sadness? I think partially it's because I've been off of my Zoloft for about a month now and my body is still adjusting. I think part of it is because I gave birth 5 months ago and the hormones are still a little crazy and sleep deprived. Sleep deprived hormones are never good for anybody. Ever. And a part of it is because I kind of feel like God has forgotten my family.
I know this isn't true, I know He is still there, watching over us and protecting us. He's still working for our good. I know that, I just can't feel it. I know He never leaves us because that's what the Bible tells us. And I'm choosing to focus on that. I've long since learned that we can choose what we focus on, and by doing that, we choose whether to be upset or at peace. I said I've learned this, not mastered it. I definitely still struggle to focus on the positive, cup is half full, side of life. I think this will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I'm just a "cup is half empty" type personality, no matter how much I fight it.
So, even when I know God is still in control, I still don't like the situation I find myself in. I still hate to see the ones I love most in this big, wide world struggle each and every day to get up and put a smile on their face and act like everything is good, as its always been and always will be. We've had some pretty tough blows the last couple of years, lost both of my much loved, wonderful grandpas, struggled financially, emotionally and physically. We're tired. We're worn out. We're beat down to the ground and struggling to get back up. We are leaning on each other, because that's what family does; that's what keeping our heads above water. But it's hard. Real hard.
I pray for my family. A lot. I remind God that he promised to bless those who love Him, and He reminds me of Anna and Katelyn. I ask God to please take care of us and He reminds me of my full belly and warm body. I tell God that I read in His Word that He always works for our good, not our ruin, and He reminds me that we are one of the richest nations in the world, that we have more freedoms than any other country, that I can go to church without fear of persecution.
So when I pray, it starts out as a cry for help and ends in a cry of thankfulness for what we have been given. I'm uplifted because God is giving me the strength to bear the heartache and hard times. I know they will pass, because everything has its season.
But sometimes, like tonight. I get a little sad. I shed a few tears. And then, I pray.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Today you turned 5 months old! I can't believe it (I think I have said that each month, and I'm sure I will continue to say it!) You have changed so much this past month. It is such fun to watch you grow and learn new things. You are getting your own little personality, which is mainly sweet and happy, but has a small streak of stubbornness mixed in (that must be from daddy's side!) You are learning to use your voice and love to practice different sounds as loud as you can. There are many nights when you join me as I try to sing you to sleep. I love to hear that little voice singing along with me!
You are becoming much more aware of what is going on around you, too. You get so excited when people talk to you and you always talk back. You chat away to the dogs whenever you can see them, and you love to talk to your toys. Your favorite toys are your little pink doll that hangs from your play-gym, your nursery rhyme book (that broke the other day!) and another little cloth book that has crinkle paper inside it. You grab for them and immediately put them in your mouth. Your toes are also a favorite. I will never forget the day you first tried getting them into your mouth. They wouldn't quite reach and you just couldn't figure out what the hold up was!
You LOVE to be outside, and that is still your favorite place to be. You are becoming a little frustrated with life these days, because you are more aware of what is going on around you, but still unable to participate in most things. When you are laid on your tummy you will pull your knees up under you like you're trying to crawl. Unfortunately, you don't know what to do with your arms yet and you usually end up face planting into the floor. It won't be long until you figure it all out though. Auntie Amber swears you're gonna be an early crawler!
You can now grab toys with both hands, or just one. You also can bring things to your mouth, which is where almost everything ends up! You are constantly taking your nuk out and then putting it back in.
You are working on sitting by yourself. You haven't quite gotten there yet, but are close. You are also very close to rolling from your back to your tummy. You usually have no desire to be on your tummy, and I'm sure this is the reason you haven't accomplished the task yet. I know you are capable of it because you were on your tummy one day when I got you up from your nap even though I had laid you down on your back.
You are still mainly breastfed with a bottle of formula each night before you go to sleep. You usually drink formula while I'm at work because I can't pump enough breastmilk for you. You are very interested in real food these days and I'm getting ready to start you on some rice cereal. The doctor says to wait until you are 6 months, but I'm starting a little early because I think you are ready.
I think you are very close to cutting a tooth. You chew on everything and just sit and gnaw on your nuk. You really like when I rub your gums with my finger. The past couple of nights have been rough, and I think it's because your teeth are hurting. And though I check every day, I still haven't felt a little tooth poke up yet!
I'm not sure how much you weigh these days because we haven't had a doctor's visit since you were four months old. You have gained quite a bit by the feel of you though! You are getting to be a little chunky! You are outgrowing clothes very quickly.
You fit nicely into 3-6 month onsies, but need a 6-9 month sleeper. I think this is because you are so long and the sleepers have feet in them. You wear a size 2 diaper and your socks are all too small now. I will have to go up a size in those.
We are working on getting you back to a good schedule. We had a great one until you got a cold, and then things got all messed up. Right now you wake up around 6-7 and eat. You'll eat again around 10:00, 1:00, 3:00, 6:00 and 8:00. You normally fall asleep between 8-9pm. You are currently waking up to eat twice a night, which I am trying to get down to once a night again. Before you were sick you only woke up once a night, which was great! You take two 30 minute naps in the morning and an hour and a half nap in the afternoon.
You are doing much better about being in your car seat, but still have some bad car rides. You love to watch Anna and Parker or any other child you are around. You have your mommy and daddy wrapped around your little finger and we couldn't love you anymore than we already do!
A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.
~ John 16:21
~ John 16:21
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I read this quote and I really liked it. I'm going to challenge myself to try and color my day with bright colors from now on.
Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up. - Allen Klein
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