Gnat In My Lipgloss

So, all that said, why the sadness? I think partially it's because I've been off of my Zoloft for about a month now and my body is still adjusting. I think part of it is because I gave birth 5 months ago and the hormones are still a little crazy and sleep deprived. Sleep deprived hormones are never good for anybody. Ever. And a part of it is because I kind of feel like God has forgotten my family.

I know this isn't true, I know He is still there, watching over us and protecting us. He's still working for our good. I know that, I just can't feel it. I know He never leaves us because that's what the Bible tells us. And I'm choosing to focus on that. I've long since learned that we can choose what we focus on, and by doing that, we choose whether to be upset or at peace. I said I've learned this, not mastered it. I definitely still struggle to focus on the positive, cup is half full, side of life. I think this will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I'm just a "cup is half empty" type personality, no matter how much I fight it.

So, even when I know God is still in control, I still don't like the situation I find myself in. I still hate to see the ones I love most in this big, wide world struggle each and every day to get up and put a smile on their face and act like everything is good, as its always been and always will be. We've had some pretty tough blows the last couple of years, lost both of my much loved, wonderful grandpas, struggled financially, emotionally and physically. We're tired. We're worn out. We're beat down to the ground and struggling to get back up. We are leaning on each other, because that's what family does; that's what keeping our heads above water. But it's hard. Real hard.

I pray for my family. A lot. I remind God that he promised to bless those who love Him, and He reminds me of Anna and Katelyn. I ask God to please take care of us and He reminds me of my full belly and warm body. I tell God that I read in His Word that He always works for our good, not our ruin, and He reminds me that we are one of the richest nations in the world, that we have more freedoms than any other country, that I can go to church without fear of persecution.

So when I pray, it starts out as a cry for help and ends in a cry of thankfulness for what we have been given. I'm uplifted because God is giving me the strength to bear the heartache and hard times. I know they will pass, because everything has its season.

But sometimes, like tonight. I get a little sad. I shed a few tears. And then, I pray.